You're my little dorito
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
