is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
