mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
