good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
