She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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