thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just got carded by a ten year old.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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