He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
