yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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