I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I want a musical about memes.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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