God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
