Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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