He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
