i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
