I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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