why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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