I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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