You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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