Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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