the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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