i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
MIDGETS
????
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
