i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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