dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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