I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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