I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
