she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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