You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
