The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
