i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
