the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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