I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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