At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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