This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
did i just pee glitter
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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