If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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