Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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