he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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