You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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