I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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