Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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