I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
