i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just threw up on my dentist
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
