Your dad touched me again.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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