True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
