yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
