Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
