No stitches, just platelets and will power
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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