I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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