in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
