The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
