yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
