I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
