I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
