I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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